I really don’t know what to do anymore. Someone help?

Okay, for starters, I’m fifteen. A little over a month ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression, and I’ve suffered chronic insomnia (it’s seperate to the depression) for little over a year now. I’m on an anti-depressant called Mirtazapine (30mg), and have been for a month now. I had terrible issues with self-harm, and I’m yet to start CBT. When I first started on Mirtazapine, everything seemed to be okay. I was eating again, I felt happier and hell – I was in bed asleep by 9:30pm, and I slept through ’til my alarm for school went off in the morning. I felt better in myself, and my Mum thought I seemed better. To date, it’s been 23 days since I last self-harmed, which is a record for me.

But things have started spiralling down. When my Mum’s not around, I cry like I used to. I just cry, and I think about everything that’s happened to me, and I ask myself why I’m still here. I ask myself what the point of my existence is.

These thoughts float in and out of my mind all the time, every now and then. As do strong feelings and desires to run away from home, to some place new, where nobody knows me. I want to run until I’m nowhere, you know? It’s hard to explain. And then I feel weighed down by my home. By the fact my family would possibly resent me, because they’re doing all they can to help me, and at times I can’t stand being here. I can’t stand knowing people know I can’t cope.
I’ll admit, I’ve been getting thoughts of overdosing. And that makes me break down into tears again, and that makes me wonder what I’m still doing here, and then I just want to get away, but I know I can’t. I feel trapped in my home, I feel trapped in my own mind, I feel obliged to stay here, I feel obliged to stay alive and sane when I feel so out of touch with everything and everyone.

I’m due to see my psychiatrist in two weeks. In the meantime, my friends are supporting me and I e-mail a woman from the samaritans at her personal e-mail because she’s the wife of my Mum’s friend. But I can’t tell anyone that at times I’m so tempted to swallow the rest of my pills. I can’t tell anyone that I feel so trapped – physically and mentally – that I want to run away from everything I’ve ever known. I don’t know what to do.

I know I should tell my psychiatrist, but I’m scared. Scared of what everybody would think of me, and what would happen if I told him that I’m suicidal. I don’t want to. I don’t want to tell anyone, but here I am asking people I don’t even know what I should do, because that’s how I’m feeling right now. I want to overdose, I want to end the constant feeling of guilt, the constant feeling that I’m trapped. I just want everything to end, because I feel like I can’t cope with it anymore.

I’m sorry for my long, depressing rant. I just need some momentary advice.

Thank you.

What is the best treatment option for Severe Chronic Insomnia when most other treatments have failed?

Background: These are the medications I have been on for sleep (none have worked): Chloral Hydrate, Ambein, Lunesta, Sonata, most antihistamines (incl. Hydroxyzine), most benzo’s (incl. Nitrazepam, Xanax bars, Klonopin, etc.), Trazedone. My doctor ramped most of these up to their maximum doses before finding them ineffective for me.

NOTE: I also tried some other drugs (the street kind) which only made me high and not sleepy – including green crack (a special variant of MJ where I live – knocks most people out in a half hour – despite the name there is no ‘crack’ in it) – and alcohol, which only gave me a bleeding ulcer – note that MJ is legal in my state for medicinal use (for which I have a license)

I have co-occuring severe depression with psychosis so I’m also on 800mg Seroquel, and Mirtazepine (Remeron) 60mg, and some other SSRI’s/NERI’s (fluvoxamine, and ecitalopram). I’ve also been on Thorazine, Risperdal, and Zyprexa (none of which helped me sleep) – thorazine made me groggy, but not sleepy.

Any help on other options would be greatly appreciated.

BTW I have trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, and waking up early -I get about an hour to three hours in bed sleep at night and about 1-2 hours microsleep during the day. Also, I don’t drive (cause I start seeing and hearing things when I’ve been up for a while and I doze into microsleep sometimes).
EDIT: I’ve also used halcion (triazolam) with no effect – 1/2mg a night.